The worried baby girl

IMG_2762November 15, 2014
Tonight Abbey asked me if I was ok!

“I’m worried about you,” she said.

What can I say. We’d been together for a few hours after Teeball finished – heading to the shops for a bit – but when we came home I felt pretty tired and laid down for two hours! My body is aching. My hips and knees hurt and I’ve got this light piercing kind of pain that feelsslike is spiking straight through my tumour. I don’t know if that’s real or imagined – it only started after Abs asked me that heartbreaking question.

I’m worried about her and will have to seriously find a way to help her cope. We talk about things and I want her to be able to ask me anything. It is tearing me apart when she asks me seemingly simple questions like that – because there’s really no simple answer.

I tell her I’m ok. After the first treatment there’s always going to be some time to adjust for my body. But how can I possibly explain this to a nine-year-old. I have to be honest with her but I don’t want to scare her.

She’s so amazing & worried about me – that’s what makes this all so much harder.

I can deal with the illness and the intrusive and completely unenjoyable treatment that goes with it – but putting the kids through this all is the hardest part!

My life changed so dramatically when I was 8 after dad’s car accident and the last thing I ever wanted was to burden my kids with any kind of trauma at that age.

Now I have done exactly that — not deliberately of course. My brain knows that but my heart doesn’t!

Dad’s accident and its aftermath wasn’tĀ deliberate either – but it changed my life forever and still takes it toll on me.

He has dementia and can barely look after himself. He’s still in his own home but he has carers and I do his food shopping on-line and have it delivered. I don’t think he knows that’s how his fridge and cupboards are getting filled each week and it doesn’t really matter that he doesn’t know. All that matters is that he’s got supplies – including mint chocolate biscuits each week and a seemingly oversupply of toilet paper and lemonade!

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6 thoughts on “The worried baby girl

  1. I think of you often Trace and know you have travelled a tough road since a young age, it has made you the strong woman that you are for your children. Xx

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  2. Hi Daina, these words would break your heart, I said these words to my own mother plenty of times and although we have never met I was so drawn to your blog after Silvana shared it on fb. I lost my mother to cancer nearly 6 years ago now and even as an adult all that I really wished I could have changed during mums treatment was that she was more honest about just how bad it was, and how she felt, especially towards the end. My mum fought stage 4 ovarian cancer for 3 years and hardly complained once. But sometimes it is good for us to know that you are not great and that you are worried too. To talk about what might happen. We never did this seriously and even as an adult and being by mums side the whole time (dad not around) I was so not ready when she passed. Being open and honest, without too much gorey detail for kids, I think will be good for both of you. All the best for your treatment, it is a hard long process. Get the support from the services when and where you can, there is a lot of help if you are willing to take it. So many good outcomes these days, before you know it you could be at your daughters wedding and with all of this a distant memory.Emma x

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  3. thinking of you and Abbey Tracey. She is a very mature girl, even when she was in preprimary. sending positive thoughts and lots of live as Mother and daughter share this journey. xxxxxx

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